You can normally tell when a person is about to ghost you. The flirty replies grow fewer and farther between, the topics of conversation remain painfully mundane, and the likes on your IG stories start to dwindle. But this sixth sense that comes with dating in the digital age just isn’t a reliable indicator anymore, through no fault of our own.
It seems that men now have a habit of lovebombing mere hours or days before disappearing completely, leaving their dates wondering what went wrong. This could look like making promises to meet your family, recording videos for your future children’s reference, or pulling out the classic line: “I’ve never felt this way before.”
Jean-Luc Lukunku, a TikTok creator who parodied this phenomenon, tells Dazed he started the series with a friend as a mere exaggeration of events. “But the wild thing is how many people will see them and [say in the comments section], ‘oh no, that literally is exactly what happened to me’. Like, taking you to a best friend’s wedding and then never seeing you again? It’s crazy out here!”
23-year-old Monica has firsthand experience of this. She met a man on Hinge who introduced her to his entire group of friends and took her on an out-of-town trip where she felt their relationship take a pivotal turn. “He took me to his favourite spot on the beach and told me that this is the most he’s ever felt like himself,” she tells Dazed. The next day? She was ghosted.
Jamie, 25, experienced something similar with a guy she also met on the apps. After talking for weeks, they met up and confirmed their chemistry was even more explosive in real life. “He was making all these plans to see me again within the week and also bookmarking me as his date for work events several months into the future,” she shares with Dazed. The radio silence came days later. When I asked her if she knew what he’s up to now, she said he had blocked her.
As commonplace as this phenomenon seems, it’s difficult to comprehend why it happens. Modern psychology, however, might have some useful theories: “Gassing someone up feels good. It makes us look like a good person, but also like we’re powerful, desirable, and needed,” Emma Hathorn, a relationship expert for dating site Seeking, explains. Humans are embedded with a basic psychological need for relatedness, or closeness to others, and are inclined to inspire these feelings even in a short-term connection. This chimes with Jean-Luc, a retired ghoster himself. “We all want to experience love, even if it’s playing pretend. In the moment, we may say things to get what we want: sex, the semblance of a relationship, someone to stave off loneliness,” he shares.
In the moment, we may say things to get what we want: sex, the semblance of a relationship, someone to stave off loneliness
Sometimes, people will do this on purpose to mask their true feelings (or lack thereof). On the surface, committing a series of little white lies seems more appealing than straight-up telling them we don’t find them attractive: think of it as the less sombre equivalent of feeding our dog chocolate before putting them to sleep. Others, on the other hand, may genuinely believe what they’re saying in the moment. “When a guy tells us that we’re incredible, that they see this going somewhere, and they want to travel with us, they might not be lying,” Hathorn says. “They could just be emotionally impulsive.”
Once a situationship starts to feel a bit more real, those with an avoidant attachment style may be overcome with a sudden fear and a desire to reestablish space and independence. It doesn’t help that we live in an era so averse to earnestness and sincerity: as soon as we exhibit anything that resembles true emotion, we choose to fade away instead of holding an honest conversation. Of course, this is incredibly hurtful for those on the receiving end. As Hathorn points out, being abandoned so abruptly leaves us with a dissonance that “makes us confused, crave closure, doubt our instincts, and chase them.” This power imbalance can make some ghosters feel drunk with power.
When Monica confronted the man who ghosted her, his response only made her feel worse. “He told me he didn’t know what was so serious about what he did,” she says. Unsatisfied with his answer, she went after him a few more times until some friends finally knocked some sense into her. “I can’t imagine the ego boost he must have gotten, seeing me beg him for an explanation.” Hathorn encourages anyone who has felt the sting of ghosting to refrain from viewing their vulnerability as a weakness. “You have to remember that you can’t prevent another person’s behaviour,” she says.
But, she stresses, “you can learn to spot the patterns to slow down your emotional investment.” One red flag to look out for is what she calls future-faking: coming up with elaborate plans for vacations or marriage within days of speaking. There is rarely any intention to follow through on these plans: it’s a mere attempt to sell us a fantasy. Similar red flags include showering us with hollow compliments without getting to know who we are, and communicating inconsistently. “If your conversations are really good one moment, then leave you confused and emotionally hungover the next, that is a sign of imbalance,” Hathorn offers.
These tell-tale signs are admittedly hard to spot, since validation can be so addictive. But now that social media is trying to sell us unrealistic dating standards, it pays to remember what a realistic relationship timeline looks like. Empty promises are not signs of interest, and sudden distance isn’t a challenge for us to step up. Ghosting isn’t a response to who you are and what you’ve done, but a reflection of their character when faced with discomfort. And remember: anyone who resorts to going silent instead of communicating their thoughts to you isn’t someone you’d want to end up with anyway.
