Teen summers before the internet were supposed to be wild and free, but mine were mostly boring, spent clumsily painting my toenails, eating Quavers, alone in a rain-battered tent. The one thing that made all of that tolerable was magazines and, more particularly, teen magazine big summer quizzes. I, for one, loved them. Agonising over my answers, totting up my points using an unnecessarily complex scoring system, then reading earnestly what my “summer style” or “party personality” was or whether I was a “great best friend” was as good as it got.
And so, in honour of the magazines loved and gone, I’ve just wasted spent hours crafting my own summer quiz, which I’m calling “What’s your 2025 vibe?” Apologies to aficionados – it’s insufficiently granular for a proper 90s girls’ mag quiz (true masters could craft 20 psychologically probing questions to tease out what swimsuit style you should try). But if, despite the entirety of the internet, you’re bored this summer, give it a go.
1. You’re caught on the Coldplay jumbotron. How do you react?
a. That would never happen for, like, a million reasons.
b. Instantly start working on a strategy to monetise my five seconds of fame.
c. Go into therapy.
d. Join the Foreign Legion.
2. What’s on your style wishlist for this summer?
a. Nothing – I’m doing “no-buy 2025”.
b. Something fishy: I’m having a sardine girl summer.
c. I’m still searching for barrel-leg jeans that don’t make me look like an actual barrel.
d. I’m plotting how to replace my panama with a cardinal’s biretta. The conclave was a hotbed of “steal his style” temptation.
3. What would Donald Trump post about you on Truth Social?
a. “In great shape, beautiful, wow!”
b. “No longer HOT.”
c. “A boring and wrong individual, very disappointing.”
d. “RUDE!”
4. Which billionaire would you least hate to marry?
a. Bill Gates – at least he’s quite old.
b. Elon Musk – at least it’s likely to end in lucrative divorce.
c. Bryan Johnston – at least he goes to bed early.
d. I’ve always had a soft spot for the eccentric Regency rake John “Mad Jack” Mytton. I’m partial to a bit of naked duck hunting.
5. What are you taking?
a. I’m microdosing.
b. Lion’s mane, collagen and ashwagandha.
c. Magnesium, omega-3, vitamin D and statins.
d. Snuff.
6. What’s your current earworm?
a. Take a Break, from Hamilton. If you know (about the wave of TikTok parodies reframing Alexander Hamilton as a wife-hating commitment-phobe), you know.
b. “Darling hold my hand … Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday,” ha ha ha (help).
c. Earworm is actually my nickname for my tinnitus.
d. A nightingale singing in Berkeley Square.
7. You have half-an-hour to spend on LinkedIn. What do you do with it?
a. Look for a job.
b. Look for a new job.
c. Post 400 AI-crafted words reframing a minor incident in my child’s life as a business “lesson”.
d. Look at buxom ladies.
8. What’s your summer tipple?
a. New-gen alcopops.
b. Adaptogenic ’shroom coffee.
c. Matcha lattes. But why are they so dear?
d. Gin and Dubonnet.
9. What keeps you awake at night?
a. Nothing – I prioritise sleep. Early dinner, a lil’ sleepy girl mocktail, 10mg of melatonin and I’m out.
b. The fear of my Skims face wrap suffocating me.
c. The Horrors. And a herniated disc.
d. Keeping vigil as my wolfhound, Venetia, is due to whelp this week.
10. What’s your new hobby?
a. Birdwatching.
b. Padel.
c. Strength training.
d. Passemanterie.
11. Your male partner starts hanging out in parks, painting his nails and whisking his own ceremonial-grade matcha, the contents of his tote bag – feminist theory, John Coltrane records, tampons to hand out – displayed around him. How do you react?
a. Critique his nail shape: it’s all about short, not almond!
b. Enter him in one of this summer’s performative male competitions. We might win a bell hooks book!
c. Obsessively watch Couples Therapy clips online and diagnose him with pathological narcissism.
d. Challenge him to a duel.
12. What AI-proof job from the recent Microsoft study of occupations that are well placed to survive the robot revolution would you choose?
a. Floor sander. Good scope for Caillebotte-inspired manual labour thirst-trap content.
b. Prosthodontist (I watch lots of mouth makeovers).
c. Dredge operator.
d. Roustabout.
13. You’re doomscrolling. What’s the first targeted ad you see?
a. I use adblockers.
b. Creatine.
c. An ergonomic Nordic haemorrhoid cushion.
d. I am not “doomscrolling”. I am rereading Trollope.
14. What are you most likely to launch this year?
a. My exit from all socials.
b. A wellness brand.
c. A gardening Substack.
d. A coracle, or possibly a skiff.
15. How do you hit your protein goals?
a. I’m all about fibre now.
b. Greek yoghurt with egg-white oats and powdered peanut butter for breakfast, then mostly chicken. I sometimes dream about food that isn’t white.
c. It’s literally my full-time job – I don’t have time to tell you.
d. Kedgeree, dover sole and the roast beef of old England.
16. What condition has your social media algorithm diagnosed you with?
a. Yesterday it suggested I “feel dead inside”, lol.
b. You name it: ADHD, dopamine addiction, Lyme disease, inflammation …
c. Crumbling bones and varicose veins (accurately).
d. Gout.
Mostly As: Positively futuristic
Wow! You’re so effortlessly, enviably up to date you might actually be in 2026 already. Have you considered a career as TikTok fortune teller?
Mostly Bs: More 2025 than a Dubai chocolate Labubu
You’re as 2025 as it gets. (You must be very tired and unhappy – have you considered creatine?)
Mostly Cs: Mid
You’re trying hard, but it’s not quite working. Perhaps it’s time to admit you’re actually 55 and quite fancy reading a Richard Osman with a mug of Yorkshire Gold? Matcha tastes like grass cuttings – go on, admit it.
Mostly Ds: It’s giving Victorian ghost
Who are you? A 19th-century country squire? A Julian Fellowes character? On second thoughts, living in a delulu bubble of your own imagining is very 2025. Congratulations.
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