Most people have found themselves, at one point or another, in a conflict with a partner that is so intense it feels like your blood is boiling. It might be the first time you argued about this particular thing, or it might be the 17th time. Either way, you’re upset and don’t understand how someone who you’re so close with could hurt you so deeply.
Then a question begins to bubble in the back of your mind: Has this relationship run its course? It can be hard to tell if considering breaking up is justified or simply an (over?)reaction to how rattled you are in the moment.
“You will notice how quickly folks go from ‘something’s wrong’ to ’should we break up?” sex and relationship therapist and author Shadeen Francis told us — Raj Punjabi-Johnson and Noah Michelson, the co-hosts of HuffPost’s “Am I Doing It Wrong?” podcast — on this week’s episode. “Slow down enough to ask what is happening in that moment.”
That can be as simple as taking a three-second pause during your argument.
Click play to listen to the full episode with a ton of excellent relationship tips:
“You don’t notice how long three seconds is until you’re in conflict or in a conversation like this and it’s just dead air,” Francis said. “It makes a huge difference. And the overlap [of two people speaking] is really normal in conversation, but when we up the ante and turn this into conflict, it is meaningful for us to slow down because we’re going to miss a lot of what’s happening just for the pure fact that, like, I’m in my feelings and usually they’re pretty big feelings.”
Stopping to breathe and reflect for a few seconds during a conflict can be incredibly challenging when emotions are running high, but doing so can be both clarifying and calming.
If, after we’ve paused, we’re still gauging whether a separation is necessary, Francis suggested asking if there’s been a “hard crossing” of a boundary that you’ve set.
“Is this a feeling? Is this a reaction to a moment? Are we in an immediate crisis or has this been brewing for some time?” Francis encouraged us to examine the questions before pulling any triggers or doing anything rash. “Is this about something I’m feeling right now or something I’m reacting to in the larger pattern of our relationship?”
Francis added that she sometimes works with “high-conflict couples” — individuals who have been fighting for a significant period of time — who are in therapy with the goal of improving their connection. These couples are constantly grappling with how to know if it’s time to call it quits, but the rest of us can also learn a lot from their struggles.
“The ‘should I stay, should I go’ conversation is one for the ages,” Francis said. “And it has a lot to do with, when are you done trying to work on this?”
Because everyone has a vastly different thresholds for discomfort and conflict, as well as different relationship goals, there are no hard rules about when to walk away.
However, if you do decide to end a relationship, Francis said there are two words you should always keep in mind as you’re doing it.
“The shortcut that I always give is ‘clear and kind’ — be as clear as you can, be as kind as you can,” she explained. “That keeps us from doing the coddling that people think that they’re doing when they like soften things or, you know, try and beat around the bush. That’s not kind. We often treat people as though they are fragile. We are tender. We are sensitive — but we’re not fragile in that way, and we’re actually owed the respect of clarity. [We’re owed] the truth, right? And so [be] clear and kind.”
Francis added that being “clear and kind” is actually a gift for the person you’re leaving. ”[It’s a] respectful thing that you can do … to have a good ending with them that allows them to be in a relationship with [someone else] who is excited to be in a relationship.”
It also is a gift to yourself, as the way we act in relationships — and the way we end them — can show up in other parts of our lives.
“If you’re ghosting people, or doing slow fades [to end relationships], you’re lying to people,” Michelson noted. “It’s habitual at some point. And that takes a toll on you too.”
Punjabi-Johnson added, “And it all goes back to not wanting to sit with discomfort.”
“What we practice, we become,” she said. “Who we are in the world and who we know ourselves to be is what we do repeatedly in the world. So if I’m repeatedly having this process of [not sharing] how I feel … if I make a practice of that, then that’s what my life will be like, and it won’t stay contained in your romantic partnerships. If you make a practice of [not being clear and kind] with people you’re dating, you’re also going to see it [happening] in family of origin and you’re also going to see it in your friendships.”
We also chatted with Francis about how to cope with a breakup, the best place to break up with someone, her thoughts on breakup sex and much more.
Listen to the full episode above or wherever you get your podcasts.
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You can also watch the full episode on Youtube.
For more from Shadeen Francis, visit her website.
Have a question or need some help with something you’ve been doing wrong? Email us at AmIDoingItWrong@HuffPost.com, and we might investigate the topic in an upcoming episode.
