Stephen Colbert roasted Vice President JD Vance for the wasteful way he celebrated his birthday, declaring him an “insane spoiled baby emperor” and sealing the joke by donning a JD Vance mask to portray a new character, “Widdle Pwince Vance” during his monologue.
Colbert was set off by the news Thursday that recently, Vance went kayaking in Ohio for his birthday and ordered the secret service to have the river’s water level raised.
Now, before Colbert got to that topic, he discussed the already bad effects Donald Trump’s tariffs are having on the U.S. economy and also mocked Apple CEO Tim for the way he buttered Trump up to avoid tariffs on Apple products. That brought him to the Vice President.
“Tim Cook traveling from distant lands to present our chieftain with a precious ingot is just the latest event that makes you feel like our country is plunging head first into techno feudalism, where the rich and powerful operate the levers of government solely for their own personal gain,” Colbert said. “But once in a while, a story comes along and gives me a glimmer of hope.”
“This isn’t one of them,” Colbert quipped.
“Because we just found out that JD Vance ordered a river’s water level raised for his family boat trip on his birthday. This is such an insane spoiled baby Emperor move that I have no choice but to break out my new character,” Colbert said as he put a mask of JD Vance’s forehead, eyes and note on, “Widdle Pwince Vance.
“Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. I want my water waised for my birthday,” Colbert said in an exaggerated baby voice. “Also. I don’t like how blue the sky is. Paint it wed. Now give me juice box. Juice box!”
After someone off camera handed Colbert a juice box, he sipped it and shouted, “Juice apple? Kill him now!”
“Netflix, call me. I’m available in June,” Colbert joked as he looked directly into the camera.
“Apparently, JD Vance wanted to go boating for his birthday, so his team requested the Army Corps of Engineers temporarily increase the outflow from a nearby lake to the river in what’s called a special release. Well, of course, on your birthday, who doesn’t want a special release?” Colbert continued.
“Officially, this river manipulation was out of the ordinary. Normally, the Army Corps of Engineers only does this when they’re training emergency responders,” he added.
At that, Colbert quickly put the mask back on and said in the same exaggerated baby voice, “there was an emergency! I wanted more wawa for my birthday, boats. Now there’s another emergency. Hello, police. I’m hungry. Get me Papa John’s. He’s closed? Kill him!”
Watch the whole amusing monologue below:
Play video
