Ines, 40
double quotation markOur desire hasn’t diminished, but I’m content with a cuddly, loving shag these days
Ross and I had been dating for four months when I asked if he wanted children. I’d memorised a script, but I was so anxious I was visibly shaking as I asked him. It felt so vulnerable, and what if he said no? I’d have to end the relationship.
That year, I went through three rounds of egg freezing after being told my anti-Müllerian hormone levels were so low I might never be able to have a baby. I met Ross just before starting the first round, but I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to scare him off. It also played on my mind that Ross was 28 and I was 36.
double quotation markI’d never been with anyone who had as high a sex drive as me before
After Ross reassured me he did want children, he hugged me and said: “This is inappropriate, but I have a boner.” He called it a romance boner.
Two months later, he referred to “our kids” in conversation.
Six months after that, we decided to start trying. The fertility doctor told us we were having too much sex. Apparently having sex every other day gives the sperm time to properly develop, but we’d been doing it four or five times a day: once before work, when we got home from work, before dinner and again before bed. I’d never been with anyone whose sex drive was as high as mine.
After we miscarried our first child, sex became less about experimentation and more about comfort. And now we have a 10-month-old daughter, we just don’t have the energy to do it like we used to. Rather than four times a day, we have sex four times a week, and it’s more vanilla. But our desire hasn’t diminished, and I’m content with a cuddly, loving shag these days. We still hold hands and touch feet while we sleep.
Although there are some days when we joke that we’re more like workmates now we’re a team getting things done, we’re just as close as we always have been – it’s just a different kind of closeness.
Seeing how wonderful he is with our daughter has made me love him even more. I say to her: “I picked your dad wisely.”
skip past newsletter promotion
Sign up to Inside Saturday
The only way to get a look behind the scenes of the Saturday magazine. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers as well as all the must-read articles and columns, delivered to your inbox every weekend.
after newsletter promotion
Share your experience
If you’re keen to talk to us about your sex lives you can get in touch by filling in the form below. It is very important that both sexual partners are happy to participate.
Your responses, which can be anonymous, are secure as the form is encrypted and only the Guardian has access to your contributions. We will only use the data you provide us for the purpose of the feature and we will delete any personal data when we no longer require it for this purpose. For alternative ways to get in touch securely please see our tips guide.Show more
Ross, 31
double quotation markIt became a game to make Ines orgasm as many times as possible – I get a lot of pleasure from her pleasure
On our first date, Ines made a joke about being older, but it wasn’t an issue for me. We were just two people who were very compatible and had a lot of common interests. But the age gap probably sped up the process of having a child. When Ines told me she had frozen her eggs and I was welcome to leave if that wasn’t what I wanted, I gave her a big hug and said I’d love to stay.
On our second date, I baked Ines a red velvet cake and she opened the door in a bathrobe. The sex was amazing – the best I’d ever had. I came more than 10 times that night. It became a game to make Ines orgasm as many times as possible – I get a lot of pleasure from her pleasure. Although her drive was higher than mine at the start, mine increased to match hers because the sex was so good.
double quotation markWe’re often too tired and it feels too weird to have sex with the baby in the room, so we have to be more sneaky
Although we were too sad to have sex after the miscarriage, we were still very open to each other. We got married soon after, which was a helpful distraction, and slowly our sex life returned to normal. When we first had sex after our daughter was born, we took it slowly because I was afraid of hurting Ines. Now we’re parents, we don’t have time for two-hour oral sex. It has gone from a marathon to a sprint, but it’s always very intimate. We’re often too tired, and it feels too weird to have sex with the baby in the room, so we have to be more sneaky, making the most of the time when she’s asleep.
I stopped initiating sex to take the pressure off Ines; so she doesn’t feel as if she’s letting me down by not wanting sex. Looking after our daughter is our priority. Although we love sex, we don’t owe it to each other. I’ve made it clear that, despite letting Ines take the lead, I still desire her. There’s intimacy outside sex too – dancing in the kitchen to our wedding song, or taking the baby out when one of us needs a rest.
Names have been changed
